Archive for May, 2017

Sigh.

I came here with all intentions to write. All intentions to vent. All intentions to rant. Now I’m here… And I’m trying to process how I feel… the only thing that is coming out is *sigh*.

Sigh is able to express so much in such a simple gesture. It embodies what I feel now. How you make me feel. How you made me feel. How everything makes me feel.

Sigh

I’m realized that I’m quite afraid of my thoughts because when I start going… it doesn’t stop and the things my thoughts think up will make me think me and worry. I will create scenarios and outcomes from the most likely to the less possible. The ones that will destroy me to the ones that I wish would be. The ones I know is the case but I don’t want to accept to the ones I couldn’t even imagine wishing for.

Sigh.

Where did you come from? Where did it come from? Where does love come from? 

Sigh.

Everyone is looking. They all love what they see. Can’t you see they are looking at You? Open your eyes. Go and spread your wings and fly. Don’t let me be a cage. Fly free.

Sigh.

Why am I still Sighing?

Sigh.

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You no longer say anything

Or rather any thing of sense

You just talk and talk and talk

Maybe it’s about time you stop talking,

Put down the phone and get to walking.

1st step is easy.

Just shut up!

No longer accepting calls

No longer need my fill of you

I’ve had enough

I’m full

You’re full too

But you are full of nothing

And full of you

Get out of yourself

I’m sure you are sick of you too.

I’m sick of you

So sick of you.

Please shut up.

Just hang up!

Hang up the phone I said

Hang up the lies you tell

Hang up the masks you wear

Hang up the pain from hell

Swallow your pride

Keep it down.

Keep the phone on the hook.

No longer seek my dial tone.

Don’t do it again.

Forget my number.

Forget me.

So for the last time,

Please just leave.

Hang UP!

I just wrote that title and realized that that is part of a song lol.

But yes. I was walking the other day and saw this tree and saw what appeared to be a heart hidden in the hues of the tree. So of course I took a photo. But it made me wonder. Where can one find love? Where is the love? 

I have realized that love is every where. You can find it when you aren’t looking. Many people search and search… but yet they can’t find it. Maybe they are just not looking. If you look too hard… you may very well just miss what you looking for. But at the same time… maybe they don’t know what love actually looks like. We all have our own view of what love is… so maybe what we were taught to be love or shown to be love… really isn’t love. Hmmmmm.

When our eyes are open… guess what… it just pops out at us. 

Many things open our eyes. One minute we have no clue… then blam!

Well enough from me for now.

Entry- May 19th, 2017

Posted: May 19, 2017 in Journal, Life Stories
Tags: ,

Hey again.

Well I kept procrastinating therefore I didn’t get back to writing for a few days. Well now I’m stuck here in this line… waiting… so nothing to do but think… and it just hit me… I have time to write too.

Where to start? Soooo much has happened since my last post. *scratches head* when was my last post? *goes to check*… aha! May 7th. 

Well as it turns out… I’ve been through quite a bit of emotions recently. The thought of going home. The thought of leaving. The thought of you. The thought of me. Just a lot of thinking. 

Have you ever felt like a crayon? Like the brightest colour or rather your favourite colour? Where you get to colour the world how you want. Well I have felt like that! But while feeling this way… and feeling awesome that you would use me to colour your world…. then it hit me! I am just one crayon in the box. That thought knocked me out to imagine that not only I can be made to feel this special. Womp. 

Well that thought soon passed. It is funny how all we need is a little time. Time is such an amazing thing. We get older. We learn stuff. We live a little more. I’m getting older and the experiences here in Jamaica aren’t even done yet and it’s days before I leave. 

I like when I write. I realize when I read over, after posting, that I pretty much just rambled lol. 

When you think of a sponge patty… what do you think of? Hmm… I think of something soft, yummy, meaty. Does that even make sense? It should make sense to you. 

Well I’m hungry… I wanna travel this summer… I’m seriously considering hopping over to my neighbour for a visit as I’ll definitely love to see you. But who knows. I’m not sure yet lol lol always just need an excuse to travel. But I don’t want to be shot. If I go there I’ll have to be the deputy cause maybe he won’t shoot me then lol. Look I tried to make a funny.

Well later now.

WOW!

Coming on to the end of my 2nd year at school here in Jamaica and just when I thought this year couldn’t throw any more curve balls. Imagine that I only have about 2 weeks left here before I go home…. then out of no where… in comes a fast, twisting ball. LOL. Why did I just laugh? sigh. I guess it’s either I laugh or cry. You know that feeling when things happen and you are there watching as they unfold and you are thinking to yourself that this can’t be the case? LOL That’s me right now lol.

It’s like a movie.

Ever wished you could turn back the hands of time? hmmm. That would be welcomed right about now. 2 years later and I can only manage to hurt the only person I love. Never got it right then. I am not as stupid as I know I am. I know what I just said. But I am not. I know I messed up and hurt her a lot. She deserves much better. Maybe she will be better off without me. I don’t think so…. but at least she wouldn’t have to put up with me. I bring too much hurt and pain. I make decisions and I live with the consequences. I’ll have to understand that and live with these ones.

But that hit me just now but that’s not why I starting writing this post. On my hall of about 800 students… only 3 of us are in my department, a guy and a girl and I. The girl told me today that we aren’t even friends cause we haven’t hung out or anything that she considers that friends do. Even though that we walk to and from class together and talk. *shrug*.

Well this morning after hanging last week Wednesday and a couple times since then… we apparently are now friends today May 7th, 2017. LOOOL. It’s quite hilarious too. Turns out she’s a lot different that what I thought she was. She’s crazy. CRAZY! lol lol So she was right…. we really weren’t friends cause I knew nothing about her and vice versa. But hey… we friends now… I mentioned this cause we have known each other for 2 years and been in the same classes for the same period and living on the same hall and we knew very little.

Well the year is soon over…. soon time to fly back home. I was. I am. I was. I’m not sure… I AM looking forward to going back home. This year has been extremely eventful.

I need a break. We all need a break.

WOW!

*exhales*

It’ll all be worth it in the end. right?

Back to studying for me… maybe tomorrow will be brighter… if it isn’t… it’ll be one day closer to that trip to the airport by the grace of God.

 

night.

No One Here

Posted: May 2, 2017 in Life Stories, Poems
Tags: , , , , , ,
No one here respects my time
Until they need me to be early
They'd rather just waste it
It's not that important, clearly

No one here respects my talent
Until they need some favour
They'd rather find someone else
Then check me in the last hour

No one here respects my opinion
Until something I said happens
They'd rather just ignore me
Because I chat far too often

No one here cares enough
Until everything falls to pieces
They'd rather avoid the problems
And hope the issue ceases

No one here...
No... you have to care.
One... person is all it takes.
Here... is your chance to make your stand.

Some... one... here.

I have a problem.

My problem is that I speak too much.

Always having the desire to add something to something said, the need to give input, the urge to give advice.

To what end? Why do I always want to speak? Can I not just see a situation or something happening and just leave it?

Years ago I saw a quote… “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” – Edmund Burke.

It was since seeing this quote that I told myself that if I can influence a positive change I will not just sit back and say nothing. I knew that doing this will definitely NOT make me popular but it will have a positive impact somehow.

What I found over the last 2 years while at school, is that having something to say too often, means that persons will eventually get tired of hearing you.

So I find myself in a dilemma, where I have information that will benefit others but persons are now no longer listening because it is coming from me.

It has gotten to the point where persons undermine what I do and say, so now I’m just here forced to sit back and observe. That’s pretty much all I can do now. I still care about the things I speak out about, however, because of those around me, I’m beginning to wonder if it is all worth it.

I jokingly tell my friends that I’m just miserable and maybe I am. But I miserable because persons don’t listen not because the information is worthless but because it’s coming from me.

Can’t persons take the information and ignore the sender? It got to a point that I had to use persons to deliver my messages so as to have the information acknowledged. No one has to know it came from me. I really could not care less. The thing about it all is that I’m accused of being “petty”, what ever that means because they have been using it far out of context, and apparently I’ve been all in my feelings. Sorry for being human and feeling hurt; forgot men shouldn’t hurt. *rolls eyes* Seriously though, I should shut up. *chuckle* What would make me shut up? I mean, all of this should make me not want to say anything ever again… but then I remember the quote.

Then my friends tell me I should not let this consume me and I should choose my battles wisely. I do agree. But maybe this is a battle I want to fight. To what end though? I’m out of here in one year, God willing.

A part of me wants the things I’ve been trying to say to avoid stuff from happen to just happen… maybe I would get some satisfaction. But then again… to what end? As miserable as I am, I still care. I care about people that I know don’t care about me. I can’t bring myself to hate anyone even when persons are deliberately being disgusting to me for no reason. Which I find is silly still. *whispers* Because the same people who are being disgusting are just kids and they hide and do it.

I am about 7 years older than every here, hence I’ve experienced maybe a bit more, however I can guarantee that I have never experienced something like this. I was wronged and betrayed, I stepped back because I would rather not with the unnecessary confrontations and any drama then to have it all back fired on me by the same person who betrayed me in the beginning. The irony. I am to blame still. I sat by and allowed it all to play out the way it did. In retrospect, maybe I would have done it differently, but hey.

This year has been one eventful year. I must say. Well well well. I would never have guessed it.

I am here laying in bed about to sleep and as I was reflecting, my need to chat is what drove me to write this. All, as I realized alot of what happened was influenced heavily by my need to chat, to speak, to have a say.

Well here’s my final say… things will always happen and some times not like we will expect but that quote is still very much true…. I’ll continue speaking… my voice won’t be muted… I’ll just find another medium.

My problem isn’t that I just chat too much… my problem is actually that I chat too much and no body hears… so now I’m going to chat that everyone HAS TO LISTEN.